Im a little different than everyone else. I can feel every sound aginst my skin as if the sound waves hug me with their pulsating beats. Its not really all that comforting though its unnerving, and feels like insects under your skin. But, the pain is worse, worse than everything. So when I try to keep my chin up, its conscious choice .I made a lot of promises to myself this year, I guess mostly to protect myself. I find that kind of ironic since I spend almost every minute in pain, so what exactly am I protecting myself from? The fact, that this year may not be the year that I win the lottery or buy a house, or maybe because I didn’t get to see that one movie. Sarcasm guys. Who cares. As the clock counts down there are so many things I didn’t get to do yet and maybe for these few minutes I’ll spend a few minutes perseverating on that….the things I still have to do, need to do, and want to do, my bucket list. The things that bring me joy, what are those things? Most days I feel like i’m loosing all pieces of my self…
The pain seers as if to remind me like my old pal why I cant even leave my bed as of late, and the screeching in my ears is my newest symptom to join the party and sounds of a violin dragged abruptly across the strings constantly and non stop; and it cuts above all other sound as if to laugh at me. One of the promises I made myself this year was to get this blog up and running. And its not finished, but I am going to post this work in progress as a promise to myself.
My pain reached extreme levels tonight when. I began feeling like all fragments of myself are lost to this disease and I have fewer and fewer moments of true calm. About 4 hours before the clock struck midnight and the new year I collapsed in tears, limp in pain, desperate to be understood. It was not until later when I could finally gather my thoughts and feelings that I am able to express them. I am afraid of loosing every essence of me to this disease. Goodbye 2016. But I am here to stay.
One Thing I have had a hard time writing about is the real struggles of the disease while remaining as real with you as possible so here it goes.
I am as afraid of the future as I am excited about it. Just something about NYE and things that make you think about past and present.
The goal is to make this blog as positive and disability friendly as possibly. I am in pain and every basic task takes extreme effort. CRPS is like a giant marathon, every day, every task, even just brushing my teeth or going to bathroom. However bad things get, I do attempt to keep my spirits high. Tonight was not one of those nights. So tonight I cried. But tomorrow is a new day, a new year and we just keep going with faith at our hands.